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- Saying goodbye sucks! -
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005
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It really does! It seems that it has never really been as hard to say goodbye when we leave from Michigan (or when people leave us) as it was this time. As you saw in some brief, summed up posts, we had a very good week. We have even considered moving back. **SHOCK**! Chris and I love seeing our family and friends, but then we look around. It's a frozen tundra. Nothing looks healty up there, everything's frozen. There area dead deer laying all over the sides of the roads, it's cold, dreary, wet and slippery. But for some reason, there is something that has attracted us more than ever before. Is it becauase we have children together that are missing out on seeing the sisters they adore (and Shawn too!)? Not really sure---but it's like this ultra strong magnetic force that draws us back. If I was still in dispatch and Chris was just a road deputy I think we would do it in a second. We could make a pretty good chunk of change off our house, sell everything and move. That easy. But it's not that easy. We have pretty decent jobs, with outstanding benefits. (Beyond union benefits). I mean seriously, how many agencies up north give you a patrol car to take home and drive as you need. Better yet, how many agencies up there would give a civillian victim advocate a brand new 05 Ford Focus to drive around, as they wish--let alone pick out the colors and options!? It's just little perks like that that hold us back.
On Sunday after family pictures everyone went back to Chris' mom and dad's house for dinner and a send off. It was sad, Tony and Yolanda said goodbye and I knew it tore Chris up having to say goodbye to his brother for 6 months, as he's trying to plan his wedding. This was also the first time we were able to really sit down and talk with Mandy's long time boyfriend Shawn. What a great kid! It's hard to impress Chris, especially when it's his oldest daughter we're talking about! Chris really likes him. Shawn seems to be a genuine, all around good college kid. He's currently a sophomore at Ferris State University. We said goodbye to them. Even Tyler and Austin were a little bummed because they had so much fun with him on the four wheeler and just playing with him! Monday came around we met Mandy for lunch, because we weren't going to see her before we fly out. She has grown up to be such a mature young adult. It's amazing she's the same girl I met 8 years ago. The skinny 9 year old with long legs and pre-braces! That was sad saying goodbye, knowing that the next time I see her won't be until after she graduates high school at her open house. It was a pin-drop easier for Chris, at least he'll be at her graduation. We sat around Chris' mom and dad's house, played cards and just basically hung out until Melissa, Alyssa and Teresa got there to say goodbye. (Makes my eyes tear up just thinking about it). We loaded our 11 bags into the truck and said our goodbyes. I was ok, for the most part, going through the pictures we were going to take with us and saying goodbye to Teresa. Chris' mom came up and gave me a hug and told me how much they enjoyed having us stay there (even after Tyler and Austin rampaged their house and drove grandpa up the wall) and I lost it. I couldn't even tell her thank you for letting us stay, cooking for us, watching Tyler and Austin, etc... Then Melissa came up and gave me a hug. I don't think either one of us could see each other through tears. She told me she wished we could stay, I told her I wished we could too--but since we can't she has to be good and promise to be nice to her mom and sister! She laughed. I had to leave then, I couldn't stand there while Chris said goodbye to his mom and Melissa. I took Tyler and Austin to the truck to get them buckled in and Tyler asked me why I was crying. I told him it was because saying goodbye is sad. He said, "Mommy, it'll be ok". Wow. Nothing like having a 5 year old tell you it'll be ok. Sometimes I wonder what his world is like! We made our way to the airport and Tyler got a little emotional, saying he missed his sisters and Shawn already.
About this goodbye thing. I feel pretty bad that it has to be this way. I see my family pretty much as often as I want, except for my dad and stepmom and their side of the family. Plus, their much younger than Chris' parents. I kinda feel like because it was my idea to move, Chris just went a long with it, and because of it he's missing out on a lot of life. Actually, there is this huge guilt feeling. I don't think he feels that way, and I'm pretty sure if he did he would tell me. We're best friends, we tell each other everything. Right? Hmm, not really sure. So, in the meantime, I'm going to continue to feel guilt and look for a position that would be highly comparible to mine up north. But...until then, like the JB/MM song says, "I’m just hangin’ on while this old world keeps spinning; And it’s good to know it’s out of my control. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned from all this livin’; Is that it wouldn’t change a thing if I let go.
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3 Comments:
Okay...I'm crying now...
I know it sounds corny but pray hard on it, Kell. Look for signs to show you where God wants you. Of course I want you back but wherever you can raise your boys and be happy makes the most sense.
Love both of you...all of you and had a lot of fun with you. Send pictures so I can post on my blog when you get the chance!
I thought about all of this a little more and wanted to tell you...
I've been learning about dying to oneself. Giving up the things you love to get the things you need. For example, I died to my love of a choir in church because I was never going to hear a choir at Riverview. Still, I walk away more fulfilled than when I do go to a church with choir. What I'm trying to say is that I can't let those things I claim to like better stand in the way of what I really need to do.
I don't know if that means giving up the perfect job and free company car in order to keep all of your kids together or if it means giving up having all of your kids together for the perfect job and free company car.
A lot of us like the fact that you and Chris live in Florida. Fun vacation and interesting stories. And you definitely went down there for a reason: to adopt two little boys that desperately needed you. It's a tough call. I'm kind of wrestling with moving back to Lansing because my church has a possible opportunity. I might just put my agenda on hold to serve others because Riverview needs me....but I might not. Its really freaking me out right now.
Just remember that you could always come back here. Or, you could come back sooner and then go back to Florida later. Just remember that God wants what is best for us.
Interesting, very interesting!
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